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 Post subject: Mom's Dictionary - to get you ready for Mother's Day
PostPosted: Tue May 08, 2001 3:25 pm 
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Joined: Mon Oct 02, 2000 11:01 pm
Posts: 13071
Location: San Diego, California, USA
<BR>Mom's Dictionary - so you can communicate with your mother:<P>ALIEN: What Mum would suspect had invaded her house if she<BR>spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.<P>BABY: 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.<P>BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mum)<BR>to be self-cleaning.<P>"BECAUSE": Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained<BR>logically.<P>BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for<BR>themselves.<P>CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mum always winds <BR>going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who have<BR>had the most sugar.<P>COOK: 1) Act of preparing food for consumption. 2) Mom's other name.<P>DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a<BR>home into a battle zone.<P>ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply<BR>of until asked to do something.<P>"EXCUSE ME": One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used<BR>in past times by children.<P>FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.<P>FOOD: The response Mum usually gives in answer to the question<BR>"What's for dinner tonight?"<P>GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of<BR>which Mum assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up<BR>doing herself.<P>HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.<P>HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with<BR>volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption<BR>of the evening meal.<P>ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small<BR>plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting<BR>them back in the freezer empty.<P>"I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to Mum.<P>JUNK: Dad's stuff.<P>KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the<BR>dish that Mum spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the<BR>seasoning just right.<P>MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc. which ironically make<BR>Mum look better while making her young daughter look "cheap."<P>MAYBE: No.<P>MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once<BR>it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.<P>"MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants<BR>something.<P>PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up<BR>swing stops.<P>OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.<P>PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables<BR>or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mum.<P>PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after<BR>thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mum, <BR>Kids will refuse to play in front of company.<P>PURSE: A handbag in which Mum carries the checkbook and keys<BR>she can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a<BR>plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, <BR>a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.<P>REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner<BR>for the *******.<P>SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching<BR>offspring stumble through coarse reenactments of famous historic events.<P>SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and<BR>snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold and<BR>reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.<P>SOAP: A cleaning agent Mum puts on the sink on the off-chance<BR>one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.<P>SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids' faces.<P>SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made<BR>of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.<P>TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.<P>TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be<BR>sure to be in.<P>UMPTEENTH: Highly conservative estimate of the number of<BR>times Mum must instruct her offspring to do something before it<BR>actually gets done.<P>UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which<BR>ensures the wearer will never have an accident.<P>VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mum forces you to<BR>swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be<BR>"Just like Daddy."<P>WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes<BR>with every room.<P>WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue<BR>jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads<BR>of gum.<P>XOXOXOXO: Mum salutation guaranteed to make the already<BR>embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.<P>YARD SALE: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mum<BR>plans to sell kid's outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute<BR>are treasured mementos she can't bear to part with.<P>"YIPPEE!": What Mum would jump up and shout if the school<BR>year was changed to 12 months.<P>ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or<BR>steamed before kids refuse to eat it.


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 Post subject: Re: Mom's Dictionary - to get you ready for Mother's Day
PostPosted: Tue May 08, 2001 4:19 pm 
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Joined: Mon May 07, 2001 11:01 pm
Posts: 98
Location: Canada
AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1 year old to eat strained peas.<P>CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.<P>DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.<P>DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.<P>DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.<P>EAR: A place where kids store dirt.<P>FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.<P>GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.<P>GUM: Adhesive for the hair.<P>HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.<P>QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.<P>SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.<P>SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.<P>TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.<P>VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.

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~Sarah~<P>


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 Post subject: Re: Mom's Dictionary - to get you ready for Mother's Day
PostPosted: Tue May 08, 2001 5:05 pm 
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Joined: Mon Oct 02, 2000 11:01 pm
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Location: San Diego, California, USA
LOLOL - Sarah!!<P>A warm welcome to the board, Sarah - it's great to have you join us. As an old mother - your list brought back many memories - and very accurately too.


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 Post subject: Re: Mom's Dictionary - to get you ready for Mother's Day
PostPosted: Tue May 08, 2001 5:14 pm 
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Joined: Sat Apr 29, 2000 11:01 pm
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Location: USA
Oh, Sarah! Those are great. I'm still giggling.


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 Post subject: Re: Mom's Dictionary - to get you ready for Mother's Day
PostPosted: Tue May 08, 2001 9:40 pm 
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Joined: Sun Oct 22, 2000 11:01 pm
Posts: 130
Location: UK
It's all true. Obviously American children are exactly the same as English children.


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 Post subject: Re: Mom's Dictionary - to get you ready for Mother's Day
PostPosted: Wed May 09, 2001 8:37 am 
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Joined: Wed Mar 28, 2001 12:01 am
Posts: 478
Location: ITALY
I wasn't aware that you'd all met my 11 year-old son.<P>Here are some excerpts from his personl dictionary:<P>BED - receptacle for storing sweet wrappers, ice-cream wrappers, discarded used tissues, discarded used underpants and socks, crumbs, and assorted small toys. Also a good place to leave the TV remote, so that mum can then be blamed for causing it to fall on the floor every time she makes the bed.<P>BEDROOM FLOOR - all of the above, with the added bonus that mum has to clear the debris before attempting to sweep and wash tiles.<P>POKEMON - A stimulating and amusing cartoon filled with hilarious and interesting imaginery characters.<BR>(Mum's definition: A refined form of torture for parents, devised by the Japanese but perfected by children)<P>McDONALDS - the zenith of haute cuisine.<P>PIZZA - runner-up.<P>COCA-COLA - The zenith of fine imbibing.<P>ICE-CREAM - essential and nutritious foodstuff, to be demanded on conclusion of all meals, breakfast included, and at all times in between.<P>TOOTHBRUSH - decorative but useless ornament for the bathroom.<P>COMB - see above<P>SOAP - see above.<P>BIDET - Place where you can conveniently mummify your plastic action figures and POKEMONS with wet toilet paper.<P>BATH - Irritating ritual cleansing zone, much loved and overrated by adults. But spectacular tsunami effects can be simulated by using just the right amount of sliding around, and satisfying spillovers can be achieved with very little practice.<P>SOCKS - foot garment, good for a week's wear, unless mum gets wise.<P>UNDERPANTS - see above.<P>POKEMON CARDS - reasonably priced pieces of card which depict all of the interesting and amusing POKEMON figures.<BR>(Mum's definition: ludicrously overpriced cards with ridiculous figures depicted on them)<P>MINISCOOTER - essential play item, which I finally got for Christmas, and have used twice since.<P>IN-LINE SKATES - see above.<P>PLAYSTATION - the best invention since the wheel, but inexplicably a source of friction between mum and me.<P>SPIDERS - amusing and charming little creatures to which I can fed large mediterranean ants, then watch them getting mummified alive for future consumption.<P>EASTER - An opportunity to request more POKEMON cards as well as an egg.<P>THE WEEK AFTER EASTER - a period in which to hone my skills at outwitting mum, by sneaking chocolate out of the cupboard while she is writing e-mails or ironing.<P>DENTIST - Nice person with sadistic tendencies towards me only, and who is impervious to kicking, hitting and swearing. To be endured, however, as it is a good opportunity to barter for POKEMON cards.<P>INJECTIONS - unpleasant procedure with doctor which can occasionally be rendered less painless for all by the promise of POKEMON cards.<P>AEROPLANE - place in which to watch, amused, as mum gets very anxious, then shout out loudly, at every turbulence, "We're going to crash!". This is particularly effective if repeated several times over during landing, when the cabin gets quiet, so you get the maximum effect. Remember to avoid the inevitable clip around the ear from mum, if at all possible.<P>SCHOOL - large venue for exchanging POKEMON cards. Some boring lessons have to be endured between swop sessions, unfortunately.<P>RULER, FOR MATHS - excellent substitute for a Jedi Light Sabre. Average life expectancy 1 month.<P>ENCYCLOPEDIA - large book, only to be opened as a last resort if mum won't give you the answer you require for homework.<P>SMALL RUBBERS (ERASERS) ON ENDS OF PENCILS - handy toy to chew or pick at. Average life expectancy 4 hours.<P>CRABS - amusing little animals to capture on the beach and feed crisps.<P>HERMIT CRABS - amusing little creatures to capture in the sea. For best results place two in a bucket and watch as they fight each other. Add a crab and you can have hours of endless fun.<P>TELLINS - small bivalves that are fun to find under the sand. They are even more fun to cook and eat with pasta: note how the shells pop open as you fry them...<P>SAND BEETLES - amusing little creatures that can easily be captured on the dunes. Place 20 in a small bucket and watch the fun. Or put one on mum's back as she is sunbathing. Less amusing as mum delivers sonorous smack on your leg, but worth it.<P>CHRISTMAS - An opportuniy to ask for more POKEMON cards as well as more gifts than is healthy or necessary.<P>MY BIRTHDAY - as above, plus a party at McDonalds.<P>CITOFONO - (Intercom up to flat from garden). Guarantees that mum never actually gets to sit down for more than 10 minutes at a time, even if I am playing downstairs.<P>MUM - The person who was provided to tidy up after me uncomplainingly, buy me unlimited POKEMON cards and feed me burgers and coca-cola all the time, but failed to learn her assigned role in life.<P>DAD - The person who was provided as a second channel when mum refuses me something. He hasn't perfected his role either, but, unlike mum, will give in if he gets enough hassle. He is, therefore, first choice for requests for POKEMON cards and McDonalds.<P>PS:<BR>FAVOURITE STRESS TACTICS -<BR>1) Hassle mum incessantly in the mornings while she is trying to get ready to take you to school. On arrival at school, refuse to say goodbye to her, and pretend she is somebody else's mother, if at all possible.<P>2) Always DEMAND a McDonalds on coming out of school.<P>3) Failing that, DEMAND a packet of POKEMON cards.<P>4) Complain loudly on receiving a "NO!" closely followed by another sharp clip around the ear, and then threaten to call TELEFONO AZZURRO.<P>5) Realising that it hasn't worked, turn on the charm and ask mum what's for lunch. The usual answer is in one of the above posts... Image


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 Post subject: Re: Mom's Dictionary - to get you ready for Mother's Day
PostPosted: Wed May 09, 2001 10:54 am 
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Posts: 13071
Location: San Diego, California, USA
Oh, Red Shoes - what a delight LOL - as the mother (now grown and on his own) of a lively son - SURE DID BRING BACK MEMORIES.<P>This would be my son's dictionary - and sometimes he does read this board (Hi Edward!)<P>ROOF - something to walk across when you think mom isn't home yet from work.<P>SUPPER - your biggest meal after your other 14 large meals of the day.<P>DISHES - something you never manage to do - because suddenly you have a stomach ache from the above meals.<P>HAUTE CUISINE - McDonald's, Burger King - and hope to see Red Shoes' son there.<P>LOAF OF BREAD - something you slice LENGTHWISE for a snack sandwich while awaiting your supper after the 14 other meals of the day.<P>LAUNDRY - an irritant to take your favorite jeans away for a couple of hours.<P>FOLDING CLOTHES - putting your jeans in the wash with one leg inside out - so mom can't figure out how to iron or fold them.<P>MATTRESS - some place to hide things you don't want mom to see.<P>TRASH CAN - something never used. <P>CHORES - a thing to be scrupulously avoided the explanation of which often takes longer than the chore does.<P>STOMACH ACHE - facile innovative ploy on test days at school.<P>BOOKS - huh?<P>WASHING HANDS - duh?<P>SCHOOL - a silly thing adults like to pay for with their taxes.<P>STRAIGHTENING OUT YOUR CLOTHES DRAWERS -just put all the clothes in the dirty laundry instead - and then you won't have to fold them, and that will teach mom a lesson to ask you to straighten out your clothes drawer. Silly old lady that she is.<P>CANDY - appetizer before supper<P>DESSERT - great substitute for vegetables<P>WHAT'S THAT ON THE BOTTOM OF YOUR CLOSET? - don't ask.<P>FISH FOOD - store it in your closet until all those thingies hatch and scares mom out of her wits.<P>HOMEWORK - the thing you say you have to do instead of your chores, but you don't have time for either.<P>PENS AND PENCILS - the twenty years worth that mom found in your bureau when you moved out to go into the Air Force. That you always denied you had.<P>Happy Mother's Day....<P>


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 Post subject: Re: Mom's Dictionary - to get you ready for Mother's Day
PostPosted: Wed May 09, 2001 12:16 pm 
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Joined: Tue Sep 05, 2000 11:01 pm
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Location: Guildford, Surrey, UK
Sorry - being a bit slow here - do I take it that Mother's Day in the US is this weekend - only we had it in the UK in March?<P>Great thread though!


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 Post subject: Re: Mom's Dictionary - to get you ready for Mother's Day
PostPosted: Wed May 09, 2001 9:58 pm 
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Joined: Wed Mar 28, 2001 12:01 am
Posts: 478
Location: ITALY
It's also mother's day here in Italy.<P>So every year I forget MY mother's day, which is, of course, on a different day in England.<P>She never holds it against me though.


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 Post subject: Re: Mom's Dictionary - to get you ready for Mother's Day
PostPosted: Thu May 10, 2001 7:23 pm 
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Joined: Wed May 02, 2001 11:01 pm
Posts: 10
Location: USA
Wow. I've been such a boring child. Better start getting my act together...

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CygneDanois<P>


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 Post subject: Re: Mom's Dictionary - to get you ready for Mother's Day
PostPosted: Sun May 13, 2001 12:13 am 
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Joined: Tue Sep 05, 2000 11:01 pm
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Location: Guildford, Surrey, UK
Happy Mother's Day all you Mum's in the US


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 Post subject: Re: Mom's Dictionary - to get you ready for Mother's Day
PostPosted: Sun May 13, 2001 1:56 pm 
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Location: San Diego, California, USA
This mother is getting her "revenge", I am going to mail my son this thread.<P><BR>HA HA


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 Post subject: Re: Mom's Dictionary - to get you ready for Mother's Day
PostPosted: Sun May 27, 2001 5:16 pm 
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Joined: Sat May 26, 2001 11:01 pm
Posts: 69
Location: Singapore
No daughters? Image haha...i think my brother lives by those rules.


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