I haven't been to ballet class in about two years. I did ballet from when I was three to eight, then quit, then began again when I was 10. I danced until I was 14, then quit.
Last night, when I was asleep, I had a dream that I was dancing en pointe again. And every so often I get these dreams- more of nightmares since I know they'll never come true. I don't mean to get dramatic- believe me, but they haunt me, because they're just these ghosts of the past, of what was-- or could have been.
I dreamt I am dancing in my pointe shoes with such a great arches with my feet and this amazing turnout. I do so many beautiful grand pas de chats, the most swift, neat bourrees across stages without the slightest wobbling and with this amazing air of confidence and brillant smile. Then triple/quad pirouettes and fouettes, something I could never get quite perfect. I float effortlessly across the stage en pointe. I am leaping through the aisles in the orchestra seating area, even across carpet I glide effortlessly. I go out the door and I can dance effortlessly en pointe even across bumpy pavement in the parkinglot. I finally leap my highest and begin to float higher and higher into the sky...... THEN I WAKE UP...
I felt so far behind when I restarted, so I quit at 14. I also strugled with not having an apppetite or any desire to eat at all, wanting to control everything, yet losing myself and becoming depressed in the process. I felt like I was a perfectionist who couldn't keep up or be perfect with anything. Then I got mono which made everything way worse. I could hardly do anything, let alone dance.
Now I regret quiting, especially without proper notice to the instructors, my private wednesday instructor, or my friends there. I didn't have the courage to go tell them anyway. I still have my pointe shoes, and I get the itch to put them on sometimes or my slippers. But what good would it do me now that I am not in shape, besides not wanting to screw myself up even more by using the toeshoes without guidance. My ankles are no longer strong enough to stay for periods of time en pointe without wobbling like mad.
I should probably just give up on the silly childish dream. I could never become professional at this rate. Then again, I don't see it as something I could take with me, or something that had a promising future for me anyway. I sometimes hate that my parents didn't keep more watch over me, so I wouldn't feel like I had to do everything on my own. They complained about petty things they wanted, but never pushed me to excell in what I enjoyed. I wish they made me keep going. I wish they motivated me more to do more extra curricular activities, or didn't complain when they drove me back and forth to ballet class.
And I wish I had stuck it out. But right now I am plotting. I am thinking about going back to dance. I need something to do with my time. I need to feel like I belong somewhere again- at a dance studio. I want to excell again. I don't think I could ever go back to the one I used to go to though. I just feel the craving to dance. It's a sin to waste this body sitting at home. I'm still flexible- not as flexible as I was though. I've got so much motivation right now. I do remember some of the terms- but I lost my definitions book where we kept drawings and records. I wonder if it is too late, or not. I wonder if I could take long, private summer classes to catch up.